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AVATAR_is a disaster

December 8, 2009

This is a disaster.

Perhaps you, my dear readers, feel as though I have let you, my cherished audience, down these last few weeks.  And why would you, my beloved flock, think such a thing?  For I have posted nothing of the movie we are so eagerly awaiting.  I speak, of course, my brothers and sisters, of none other than James Cameron’s miracle of miracles: Avatar

But fear not, for I have not, nor would I ever, lead my sheep astray… Instead, I have tested you.  I have challenged you to see for yourself, to immerse yourself deep into popular culture, to absorb this film’s marketing all on your own… and why have I done this?  So you…. yes, that’s right, each of you, may see the light with your own eyes… so that you, and you, and you, may know, with out any doubt, just how stupid this film is shaping up to be.  That’s right, my disciples, you don’t need me to point out the obvious.  You don’t need me to tell you how lame something is looking.  No.  For all of you have, just as I have, a competent mind.  And that is why we now find ourselves dreading this film’s December 17th release.

But for those of you who live under a rock, for those of you returning from decade-long space explorations, for those of you waking from a coma Hard to Kill style, I present a collection of all things stupid, of all things implausibly lame, I present to you all things unbelievably Avatar

To start, I present the official Avatar song by Leona Lewis: I see You.  That’s right… an official song.  Remember My Heart Will Go On?  Yeah.  I guess no James Cameron film is complete without a nausea inducing melody, some horrifying pop song we will hear over and over and over again until we are filling our ears with super glue.   Seriously though, this is just reason 978 why I think Cameron seriously doesn’t know what decade this is…

Okay.  Maybe you like Leona Lewis — though I’ve never heard of her.  Maybe you like this song — though I don’t know how that is possible.  But let’s just say you do… well, take a look at this clip…

Yes.  Yes, you should see your faces.  Because that was terrible.  That. Clip. Was. Terrible.  Perhaps this flux vortex they speak of, in addition to screwing up navigation systems, makes everyone speak terrible lines of dialogue… like, it just pops into their mouths… like some crazy form of turrets.  Shit…

oh no oh no oh no that clip was so bad ive lost the ability punctuate what evils have i unleased by posting this clip when you are ready when you are READY WHEN YOU ARE READY?  Ugh… that’s horrendous.  Hmm… I wonder when he’ll be ready.  I’m sure I’ll want to throw up when it happens… probably because that stupid f*cking song I see You will be playing at the time.  How about the James Horner score in this clip… seriously, what decade do they think this is?!

Okay… look… I’ve got to go… there are better things I should be doing with my time… this movie… Avatar… it looks horrible…  I have to go now… I can’t talk about this anymore…

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. Anonymous permalink
    December 9, 2009 7:27 pm

    I watched Cameron’s original cut of Aliens last night just so Hudson’s great one-liners could make me forget about all this junk for a few hours.

    Let’s face it, he’s lost touch.

    Personally, I’m reminded of The Abyss …a movie I really never cared for. It has been a long time since I’ve seen it and my memory sucks but… It’s dated more than any other Cameron movie: the characters; their relationships; the facial hair; the bad guys; the staleness of the dialog/interaction that drags the movie out; the ending that takes forever. I would rather watch Titanic again than see The Abyss – and I worked in a movie theater that played Titanic six months straight. Imagine cleaning a theater 2-3 times a day with THAT song playing over the credits. I wanted Celine Dion’s voice to be outlawed back then.

    This is Cameron’s new Abyss: A movie that promises a completely new experience. It will deliver on that big-budget, feel-good romp …then simply fade away into the abyss.

  2. Hack Riven permalink
    December 9, 2009 8:31 pm

    …I just wanted to add:

    I think Celine Dion’s voice should still be outlawed.

    • cklockwork permalink*
      December 9, 2009 8:58 pm

      you haven’t posted in a while. what’s up with that? a-hole.

  3. cklockwork permalink*
    December 9, 2009 8:57 pm

    I don’t think any of his movies have held up over time. The only reason The Terminator seems to have… is that it’s a time travel movie. It ties into the plot.

  4. cklockwork permalink*
    December 9, 2009 9:11 pm

    I love the “Possibly related posts” that popped up for this post… one of them is a priest’s blog. what the hell?! no wonder i get no hits!

  5. Hack Riven permalink
    December 10, 2009 3:21 am

    The priest’s blog is actually how I stumbled onto this site.

    go figure.

  6. December 17, 2009 6:50 pm

    In all fairness to Cameron’s previous films, it is relatively difficult for any sci fi film to hold up over time. When the future they depict inevitably does not come true they, of course, seem dated. It’s just part of the genre. The key to a great work of sci fi is does it tell us something about being human regardless of time period. I don’t think Avatar will meet that criteria but then again neither did Star Wars really. And just like Star Wars all I really want out of Avatar is a fun sci fi fantasy ride. And I’m sure I’ll get that.

  7. cklockwork permalink*
    December 17, 2009 7:36 pm

    Okay… I’ll respect your observation of the sci-fi genre. It’s the only genre that has an expiration date. But the only Cameron film based in the future is the Terminator series… and that holds up the best. Hmm… now that i think about it, I don’t think I’m saying Cameron’s sci-fi themes don’t hold up but his filmmaking in general. Titanic, True Lies, The Abyss… these films are hard to watch. And it’s more than just outdated special effects and pop-songs. I don’t know…

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  1. AVATAR_i see you « Klockwork Kugler: This is my blog. This is what I do.

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