2012_dumbest movie ever?
The movies just keep getting dumber.
Dear Columbia Pictures:
What the hell were you thinking? I took the time to watch your 5-minute preview of 2012… and I hate you for it. That is perhaps the dumbest collection of moving images I have ever seen. I won’t even touch on the fact that you, along with Roland Emmerich, the dumbass director, still find pleasure in toppling buildings. To be honest, I never was going to see this movie. Its entire premise is so laughable, so stupid, I would never, much like The Day After Tomorrow and 10,000 BC, watch this movie. If a friend of mine offers to take me, I’ll decline. If a friend wishes to watch on DVD, I’ll refuse. If I find the movie on cable, I’ll change the freaking channel, maybe throw out my television altogether. This clip is so bad I will probably never see another movie made by you, Columbia Pictures, again. Yes, I mean that. You spent an estimated 180 million dollars on this film and I hope you don’t make a cent of it back. I hope this film sinks your studio. This clip has absolutely no redeeming qualities. There isn’t an ounce of humor in this clip I find amusing. There isn’t a second of action I find suspenseful. Judging on this clip, which (amazingly) you find suitable to represent the movie in its entirety, 2012 may be the worst movie ever made. As for John Cusack, well, I already knew he’s an idiot. I’ve always hated him. I’ve always hated his films. And now I know why… because someday, somehow, he was going star in this movie: the dumbest movie of all-time. The frustration I feel for having watched this clip transcends words. A part of me wants to shake his head, rant about this on his blog. But another part of me wants to cry, wants to scream, wants to run off into the woods and live a life of seclusion. One of these times, one of these days, a movie will be made that will send me over the edge. That day can’t come soon enough. That movie will probably be made by you, Columbia Pictures.
Sincerely,
cK
For my readers, if you really must…
THE KILLER INSTINCT_something to do with Penn State Football
So the Nittany Lions beat the Illinois Fighting Illini this past weekend 35-17, improving their record to 4-1. The first half of the ballgame was worrisome, I really thought this was a trap game for the Nittany Lions, and, in that first half, they played to my expectations. Coming off the loss to Iowa (remember my prediction? Pretty darn close) and stumbling out of the top ten, the Nittany Lions, with their egos severely bruised and their leadership in question, were primed for an upset which, in my mind, would of started a season long slide ending in disaster (like Wisconsin last year.) Sometimes teams can crumble that easily.
Holes so big you could drive a Mack truck through.
But then the 3rd quarter came around and the PSU running game ripped a total of 338 yards on the Illini. Despite how terrible Illinois seems to be, I saw some really promising things: the offensive line clicked, finally, and we looked, finally, like what we’re ranked (15th.) It was also nice to see some of the swagger back that has been missing since last year. We were having fun. So, as I was telling a coworker in the parking lot today, maybe the loss to Iowa was a good thing. Maybe we’re simply not a national championship caliber team this year and, with a top-5 ranking hanging over our heads, it was just too much pressure. We were bound to choke. Now with those expectations wiped away, and our ranking much more realistic, the team seems more relaxed, more confident. Watching our performance in that second half made me think this team might just be a two loss team… maybe not what the Nittany Nation was hoping for this season… but a two loss team is what we were last year and that wasn’t too bad.
Another 10-2 season would be fine by me.
As for that Killer Instinct in this post’s title: My buddy Joe makes a great comparison in his blog between Daryl Clark and Michael Robinson, Penn State’s star QB from the 2005 season. He raises a very valid argument regarding Clark’s Killer Instinct. Now, my first knee-jerk reaction, based on this year’s Iowa loss, is to exclaim that Clark simply doesn’t have the offensive line that Robinson had in ’05. But then, as my mind wanders back to last season, I realize Clark has yet to pull off a legit come-from-behind victory. Sure, there were times last year when we were behind but, when it came down to desperate this-is-the-stuff-of-legend scoring drives (particularly against Iowa), Clark choked. He choked just like he did this year. Robinson, on the other hand, way back in 2005, pulled off plenty of them: there’s the miracle drive to win at Northwestern (watch Derrick Williams score the game winning touchdown and you might see me running along with him on the sidelines. seriously. the dude in the yellow shirt.), there’s another against Michigan (it wasn’t his fault we lost that game), and he even pulled us through for the Orange Bowl victory against FSU. But, you might point out, Penn State won at Ohio State last season: That was huge. But Clark was out with a concussion, Pat Devlin was under center, and it was our defense that clinched the victory (by denying the choke master himself Terrelle Pryor of his own I-will-tell-my-grandkids-about-this miracle-drive of his own.)
Remember that guy?
So, as is often the case, only time will tell how, years from now, we look back at Clark’s career. When the pressure is on, a national audience is watching, and Clark is driving down the field to heroically win the game… what will he do? Will he complete the pass, winning the game for the Nittany Lions, thus adding another win to Paterno’s record, perhaps securing a second consecutive BCS bowl bid… or will he fumble the snap, throw an interception, and crush the hopes of a 110,000 fans in attendance? I guess we’ll just have to wait and see…
GREENWOOD FURNACE STATE PARK _ places I like to go
I think that I cannot preserve my health and spirits, unless I spend four hours a day at least – and it is commonly more than that – sauntering through the woods and over the hills and fields, absolutely free from all worldly engagements. ~Henry David Thoreau
Greenwood Furnace State Park, Pennsylvania
THE WALKING DEAD _ highly recommended
I’ll be honest, this whole zombie craze is getting a little old (already.) I’ve never had anything against the zombie genre (be it movie or comic) but things like Pride and Prejudice and Zombies are just, well, stupid. So, with that said, I’m dangerously close to turning my back on zombies altogether and I’m willing to bet I’m not the only one. Now, I hear good things of Zombieland so there’s still some life to the genre but the backlash is inevitable… I only hope it hangs around long enough for The Walking Dead to have a successful run on network television.
What is The Walking Dead? It’s a monthly comic book, a kick ass comic book, soon to be a weekly series on AMC. Not only is it, in my humble opinion, the best zombie tale of them all but it’s also one of the gorier and grittier I’ve come across. The best part of the comic though, besides awesome shotgun-to-zombie-face action, are the characters, the remaining humans, and their fucked up relationships and interactions. That’s what really gets you hooked. It’s less about the why are the undead trying to eat our brains and more about the that fucker slept with my wife while they thought I was dead… which is going to make for great television. The comic, which has been published monthly by Image Comics since 2003 has enough meat to it to last a few seasons so unless the writers/filmmakers completely screw it up, or the zombie genre falls back into its grave (ha – that was a zombie joke), this show should be quite entertaining.
If you’re into zombies and/or comics, I highly recommend you pick up the (easy to find) trade paperbacks. Created by Robert Kirkman and Tony Moore, this series is probably one of the best non-superhero trades out there. I’m also a huge fan of Moore’s art and have often looked upon the early issues of The Walking Dead for inspiration (one day I will complete a graphic novel, I swear.)
PREDATOR_ if it bleeds
Today’s topic of discussion happens to be one of my favorite movies: Predator, the 1987 film staring (as if you didn’t know) the Govenator himself Arnold Schwarzenegger… back when the big-man was still making half decent movies. Directed by the Hollywood hotshot of the time, John McTiernan (this being his follow up to Die Hard – which just so happens to be my favorite X-mas movie) I truly believe Predator to be Schwarzenegger’s best film. The character and plot fit him and his persona perfectly. The Terminator films were great (if one ignores T3) and I have nothing but respect for James Cameron but there’s something about Arnold, at the height of his career, being hunted down by an alien for sport that is down-right awesome (yes, cooler than a cyborg being sent back in time as an assassin/protector.)
Just another war-film.
This topic, admittedly, is brought on by the intriguing developments regarding the current Predator reboot/sequel in the works by 20th Century Fox (yep, nothing is sacred.) Being produced (I should really say being “currently” produced – the man seems to have commitment issues) by Robert Rodriguez (Sin City) and directed by Nimród Antal (what? Never heard of him? Join the club.) The film, entitled Predators (a nod to Aliens I suppose?), has not officially been announced as a “reboot” by the studio so I expect some sort of continuation of the first or maybe second film in the franchise (think Superman Returns.) The Aliens vs. Predator films, in all likelihood, are to be ignored and forgotten (thank goodness.)
Okay, let’s talk Predator. So not only is this film one of my all-time favorites (due to its sheer awesomeness) but it’s also one of my most enjoyable movie memories from my childhood. I must of been seven or eight but I can still remember that night. Without a doubt it was a Saturday (have to love the ol’ HBO Saturday Movie Premiere) and my friend and I were having a sleep over. Now, keep in mind, we were just kids. If I knew who Arnold Schwarzenegger was I didn’t give a crap about him. Back then, only three things mattered in my life: Superman (duh), Thundercats, and Knight Rider. If it wasn’t either of those three I didn’t want anything to do with it. Never the less, my parents strongly suggested we put away our action figures and join them in the living room for this movie. My parents told is nothing about the film, nothing at all, other than we might like it. From what I could tell, it was just another war film I was being forced to watch, probably for educational purposes.
Apollo vs. Arnold
The plot progressed and I, admittedly, was bored. I’m sure I complained. I’m sure I was told to shut up. But this movie had war-film written all over it. What’s the big deal I thought? These guys are just running around shooting things. Nobody is flying. There’s no talking car. Why the heck do I care? Then the first act came to an end and, despite my stupidity, I took notice.
Wait, I thought. What’s that in the tree? Wait, I asked. Whose heat vision is that (and what the heck is heat vision)? And my parents chuckled. Wait, I demanded. Whose killing those guys with freaking lasers? And my parents told me to keep watching. Wait, I screamed. What the hell just chopped off Apollo Creed’s arm?! What the hell is going on here?! And then… and then… Oh. My. God. That thing coming out of the water, that thing that has Arnold cowering in the mud, that thing… that thing… is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.
Arnold vs. Predator
And from that moment on, I was hooked. I lived and breathed that movie. I was already bending my own imaginary bow along my shoulders by the time the credits rolled. That movie was awesome. That movie kicked ass. That movie changed my life. My friend, on the other hand, didn’t fare so well. He was spooked and, if I remember correctly, was too scared to spend the night that night. In retrospect, the sleepover was a small price to pay: that movie forever shaped my imagination and opened the door for me to science fiction in general. From there I discovered the Terminator, from there I came across Star Trek, not long after that I found Star Wars, all of which led me toward Arthur C. Clark who then introduced me to the work of Stanley Kubrick…
Okay, so maybe I’m out of line. Maybe I’m holding this movie in too high regard. In all likelihood I would have ended up where I am with or without having seen Predator that night… but it’s fun to think about it like that. One things for sure: that movie is awesome. Arnold kicks ass, the production design is timeless, and the soundtrack is fantastic (I’ve been trying to get my hands on a copy for sometime now.) If you haven’t seen the movie, perhaps thinking it’s some stupid action movie, get your ass to the video store now. I give you my money back guarantee (I’m not quite sure what that implies.) I’m just saying it’s a good movie. Rent it.
You know it's awesome.
In the meantime, read up on the film here. Crazy as it may seem they shot a good portion of the film with a radically different alien design with Jean-Claude Van Damme wearing the costume (this was before he was starring in his own movies.) Knowing the alien design was weak, the filmmakers turned to creature master Stan Winston who, with a few recommendations by James Cameron (another reason the man deserves total respect) came up with the design we know and love today. Check out this crazy picture of the original alien and see for yourself:
What the hell were they thinking?
And for more info on the reboot, click here.
So what do you think? Let’s hear it…
IOWA @ PENN STATE _ my prediction
I know I’m going to get a lot of heat for this one but I have to get it out there. For a while I was telling myself to not post this until Friday afternoon thus sparing me the wrath of my Penn State friends and colleagues. But where’s the fun in that?
This weekend the (unranked) Iowa hawkeyes come to happy valley to challenge the fourth ranked Penn State Nittany Lions (my beloved alma mata.) Going by the rankings, this game shouldn’t be a big deal, not at all. Penn state, being the fourth best team in the country, should steam roll Kirk Ferentz and the black and gold (note: Steelers colors.)
Penn State's Daryll Clark
So why the heck is ESPN College Gameday in town? Why does this game deserve the coveted 8PM primetime time slot on ABC?
Sure there’s the white out (google best student section in the country.) Sure there’s the revenge factor (google Penn state at Iowa 2008.) Sure there’s Joe paterno (google college coaching legends.) There’s a million reasons this game is so hyped, I just wasted my time listing some of them. The real reason though? The number one reason: they want us to lose.
Penn State's White-Out. An impressive sight.
So what’s my prediction? It hurts to say this but, and any objective college football fan will tell you this, Penn state is overrated. Sure, I love the blue and white. Sure, I’ll get all tingly when the team runs out of the tunnel, but anybody who watched the games Penn State has played this season, actually watched the games and not just looked at the score and wrote it off as a blow out, know Penn state just isn’t clicking. Not like a true national champion contender should be (see Florida, see Alabama.)
In my opinion, neither the offense nor the defense is as solid as it was this time last year. To put it more bluntly: we are not as good as we were last year. Our ranking is a Coaches and AP Poll anomaly… one the voters probably figure will work itself out (i.e. we lose.)
Now, let me assure you (again) I’m still a Penn stater through and through. I want/hope/pray that the Nittany Lions come out firing on all cylinders. I want Daryl Clark to come out Heisman-caliber. I want the defense to give Kirk Ferentz nightmares for years to come. I want us, in front of a national audience, to make a statement that every fan, every sports writer, will remember (for the rest of the season.).
But, in all likelihood, that won’t be the case. I’m just being realistic here people. An upset is much more likely. Our team has problems. I won’t get into them but they do. Picture Iowa storming the field as the last seconds click off the clock. Picture a Gatorade bath for Ferentz. Picture a handful of Penn State players on their knees, their heads in the grass, their dream season crushed.
More heartbreak in store for the Nittany Lions?
Sigh. Maybe I’m wrong. I want to be wrong. I hope I’m wrong. Maybe I’m too pessimistic for my own good. I guess we find out in a few days. My prediction:
IOWA 17
PENN STATE 10
Let’s hear what you think…
SUPERMAN LIVES_wtf
Today, after nearly a decade in limbo, an image has finally surfaced of Nic Cage in costume from Tim Burton’s 1999 Superman Lives. For those of you that don’t know (this was well before Superman Returns), in the mid ’90s Warner Brothers was desperate to get Superman back on the big screen. So desperate were they, and in such need of a sure-thing blockbuster, that no other than Tim Burton himself (still soaring after the first two Batman films) was signed on as director and Nicolas Cage (fresh off of Leaving Las Vegas and The Rock) was cast as the Man of Steel (both with highly lucrative play-or-pay contracts to boot.)
This image (and the easily googled concept art) is a glimpse of the pure insanity this project was:
Nic Cage, Superman Lives
Admittedly, this picture isn’t as clear as I hoped it would be. There is a chance it’s bunk but, aside from the strange airbrushing along his neckline, it seems legit. As the story goes, the film was being rushed into production but, for whatever reason, the execs at Warner Brothers wanted to see Cage in costume. Go figure. Unfortunately, I can’t give the ridiculousness of this photo credit for derailing the film. Instead, according to Wikipedia, the film’s escalating budget gave the studio cold feet. They put the film on hold, just weeks before they were schedule to start shooting, and Burton and Cage moved on to other projects (after being paid in full, of course.)
Before Bryan Singer’s Superman Returns there were a handful of aborted Superman projects. This crap fascinates me. I was a huge Superman fan as a kid (well, I guess I still am) and I was on top of all of them thanks to my early interneting skills (does Aint It Cool News still exist?!) To this day, I periodically find myself scouring the fan-sites for new details or concept art. Besides Burton’s project, which was written (a few drafts worth at least) by Kevin Smith, you also had Jonathan Lemkins’ Superman Reborn, McG’s Superman Lives, Brett Ratner and J.J. Abrams’ Superman: Flyby, and Wolfgang Petersen’s Batman vs. Superman. Each filmmaker took a radically different (and equally insane) approach to the character. I’m not going into details (I would be here ranting all day) so, if this interests you in the least, check out the Wikipedia site. It will seriously blow your mind.
Read it over. All of it. And by the end, I guarantee, you will have a new appreciate for Superman Returns.
OLD VS. NEW_The Hard Way
1959 Chevy Bel Air vs. 2009 Chevy Malibu. They don’t make ’em like they use to:
THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL _ what the hell were they thinking?
I really thought that everybody, and I mean everybody, knew about this. And then a good friend of mine confessed to me (a bit inadvertently) that HE had no idea this even existed. It was at that moment that I realized that I was not as good a friend as I had thought. I realized I could do better, for how could anyone, friend or foe, let another person live their life without knowing of the utterly-shocking, completely insane, fantastically terrible, once in a galactic lifetime phenomenon know as…
THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL?!
Few people know of this but in 1978 George Lucas, lord of all things Star Wars, teamed up with CBS, lord of all things variety-show, to bring mankind its greatest gift since Jesus Christ himself… that gift was The Star Wars Holiday Special. It was 2 hours of the greatest television ever produced. And by greatest I mean worst. It’s so bad, so mind-numbingly bad, that it goes all the way around and becomes good again (to quote Ralph Garman.) The special only aired once and it took years (decades) for George Lucas and the rest of the cast to admit it actually happened.
That’s right. The show was so bad, so unforgiveable, that the only option left was denial: It never happened. It was all a bad dream. You love Star Wars. George Lucas is God. But then videotapes of the program surfaced and spread. It was like a disease. And the all-mighty George Lucas himself could not stamp it out of existence. In an interview with Maxim in 1992, they asked him about the special. Lucas responded: “Right. That’s one of those things that happened, and I just have to live with it.”
What Lucas has had to live with is a singing Princess Leia (who sings to John Williams’ legendary Star Wars theme no less), dancing Wookies, and the space adventures of Han Solo… filmed on an old-west movie set, because that makes sense. Lucas later went on to admit: “The Holiday Special does not represent my vision for Star Wars.” No Shit.
Check out a clip for yourself…
or watch the entire special, all two hours of it, here…
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=323909610753051544#
There is one good thing that came from the Holiday Special (besides a good laugh some thirty years later): it was the first appearance of Boba Fett. Go figure.
REAR ENDS_ All the better to do donuts with.
It’s called… THE DIFFERENTIAL.
Came across a great video explaining how the differential works in a rear wheel drive car. It’d be interesting to see how the posi-traction rear ends work too… but I only accept tutorials as 1930’s news-reel footage.
Klockwork Kugler: This is my blog. This is what I do. 